America's Game

Explaining the game of soccer to a 5 year old is pretty simple:
1. Both teams are trying to get the ball in the goal.
2. Only the goalie can use his/her hands.


That's it. Done. No other information is necessary to follow what's going on in the game.

Explaining the game of baseball to a 5 year old requires answering 947 questions... and counting. 

Thanks to Groupon, we took the boys to see the Salem Volcanoes (Single A team from the San Fran Giants) play a Sunday evening baseball game. It was the perfect summer evening - 80 degrees, sunny, seats in the 4th row behind the home team, and all the fun that comes with a small town baseball team. It's such a great slice of America to stroll into the stadium, stand for the anthem sung slightly off key, watch the local businesses with their various promotions, and sit back with a beer for a little baseball.

Of course, adding two curious kids to the mix quickly shifts the focus of the evening. Thankfully, there were also lots of other families around us answering the same never-ending slew of questions that come with trying to explain baseball to young fans. We set the stage fairly well and Owen understands the concept of "hit the all and run" just fine.  Of course, the FIRST BATTER of the game ended with the obscure rule that you can run on a swinging third strike if the catcher drops the ball. Um... sorry kids, can't really answer the "why" on that one... who wants a hot dog?!

Sip Sip

For Christmas, Scott got me a great coffee mug from World Market. It's the kind with the silicone lid, that makes it look like you just got a Starbucks Latte. I swear, my coffee tastes "fancier" in that thing. Not to mention, the lid is just AWESOME for keeping my coffee close by while playing with the kids. It's not spill proof, but at least it gives me half a chance to prevent a major mess when it does get knocked over.

Scott was so sold, he bought himself one and a third one for me to have at the office - which my office mate, Chris, is very grateful for, as he has helped me clean up a massive coffee spill at LEAST 3-4 times in the last couple months. (You would think I would learn not to put my coffee mug between my arm and the ringing phone, but apparently I'm still learning that lesson.)

Anyway, happiness reigns in the small things, and right now, these commuter mugs are bringing a little bit more joy to my daily routine.

And then, it struck me. I don't think I have any position to try and break the kids of their habit of requesting "warm milk in a sippy cup" first thing every morning. Notice a similarity?

Grown Up Moments

Ever have those moments where it hits you smack in the face that you are a grown up? Maybe turning a year older makes you take stock of where you sit, but somehow the changing of the years isn’t what gets me. When I look back, these are the “grown up” moments that really stand out:

- Signing papers on our first home purchase.

- Buying a vacuum.

- Getting on an airplane for my first business trip.

- Asking for and being totally excited about receiving a blender for Christmas.

- Leaving the hospital with a 2-day old Owen.

- Presenting at a professional conference.

- Going to my first Board Meeting for a local charity.

It’s funny how so many of the “grown up” things aren’t the monumental events in your life. Sure, buying a house is an obvious one, but getting married doesn’t make the list (good thing because we were SO YOUNG!). Giving birth isn’t on there either. Grown up moments are those seemingly insignificant events that smack you in the face at how NORMAL it is for you to be doing things that adults do. Yikes!

Today I had another grown up moment. First, I got ready for work by pulling on a new skirt and birthday present boots. I felt like a real adult, going to a real career job (one I’ve had for 10 years, mind you), knowing that I looked the part. I was wearing clothes I love, not just “work clothes” because I had to. In fact, right now, my work environment consists of me and one co-worker, so it’s not like I even HAVE to wear professional clothes. Chris wouldn’t care (or even notice) if I showed up in torn jeans and slippers, and my clients on the phone don’t know if I showered or not. No, I got dressed this morning because I WANTED to. Toss on a wool-ish trench coat, and professional Alissa walked out the door… with two kids, 3 lunches, a purse, my computer bag, a bag of coffee for the office, bills to mail, and a giant cardboard box to donate to the preschool. No matter, the clothes and attitude said professional… said grown up.

But the kicker, the moment that it struck me so solidly that I AM A GROWN UP, was crouching in the bathroom – same skirt, same boots – caring for my sick 3-year old just picked up early from preschool. I’m the adult in this situation. I’m the one making the decisions and cleaning up the messes. Even in my rockin’ boots, nobody can care for my son the way I can. I am the grown up.

365 Days of Baby J

365 days ago, we were snuggling an unnamed baby in the hospital and on Monday, that little baby turned ONE!

True to form, Josh celebrated his birthday with a sick day. That's 4 months in a row that he's been sick enough to call the doctor on the 24th or 25th of the month - strange! Our chats with the doctor deserve their own post, but for now, we'd like to celebrate 365 days with this tiny bundle of happiness.

Josh is a joyous little guy. He's such a blessing to our family. Josh is quick to laugh and is starting to exhibit his own little forms of humor. He thinks it's hilarious to give you a coy smile and then take off crawling in the other direction. He has a "happy dance" involving vigorous shakes of the head and hands and an inhaling squeal/honk that sends us all into giggles.

Josh is cruising furniture and starting to climb into boxes, up the stairs, over obstacles. He also likes to roll and chase balls down the hallway. But his true love continues to be stick shaped objects - spatulas, spoons, maracas, drumsticks.

Eating is still a challenge - I'm hard pressed to select some favorite foods, but Josh will eat repeated bites of crackers, canned peaches, and yogurt. He is still nursing pretty regularly, including once or twice at night and early morning, but if he has a full belly, he'll sleep in until 7AM, which seems like a treat (you know you're a parent when...)

Josh has fully entered "destructor mode" - tearing apart anything he can get his hands on... and there's not much he can't get his hands on these days. The pantry, the toilet paper, Owen's toys, folded clothes, our shoe/jacket bins, bookshelves, the dog food, and the cat litter box (ew, ew, ew) have all been targets of his joyful wrath in the last two weeks.

It has not been an easy year, but one in which every challenge and milestone has been 100% worth it to get us to this point. It is sooooo true that when parenting, the days are long, but the years are short. I can't really remember what our family FELT like without Josh - how did we fill those spaces that are so obviously intended for him? How will his personality evolve, enrich, challenge, and entertain our family? Only time will tell. Our old pastor in Seattle used to remind parents that our children are not ours to posses - God is just loaning them to us and entrusting us to raise them. It's an awesome responsibility, and we are privileged to have been selected to shepherd Josh and have a front row seat in watching the person he is growing into.

Here's the past year in monthly photos. Happy FIRST Birthday Joshua Todd!

What's after Survival?

Survivor wrapped up an amazing season last week. And, yes, we still watch it every week. And yes, I'm glad we do because this was an amazing season.

But... that's not the kind of survival I'm thinking about today. Last week was a great week - to the point that I'm willing of officially declare that we are out of survival mode and on to... What? What comes after survival? We're certainly not all the way to "thriving" mode, but I think we've hit our stride as a family of 4. Maybe I've just finally gotten all the pregnancy/postpartum hormones out of my system, but I told Scott that I felt like I as "on a high" all day Thursday because I really feel like things are working. It doesn't feel like I'm are trying to work our lives around a new baby anymore, and I'm not constantly thinking about the extra effort it is to do things with two kids - instead I'm just moving through the day with two kids and it feels NORMAL. I talked before about how we were nearing the end of the new baby tunnel. Now I feel like we are out of the tunnel and aclimated to our new surroundings to the point that we can actually navigate this new place with some level of confidence.

I'm thankful for the wonderful advice we got from all angles to lower expectations and give ourselves grace to be in survival mode for the first few months with a new baby. I had a friend (Hi Stephanie) tell me that she was skipping the toddler baths and relying on Annie's Mac and Cheese quite a bit after her second child was born. While we can't skip baths (remember the blue hair?), I did reflect on her words quite often as I gave myself permission to make PB&J every day for lunch or eat cereal for dinner on those days (or weeks) when we were buried in the weeds.

Just last weekend, I was lamenting to Scott at how frustrating it is to have to work around infant nap times again. If Josh naps until 10:30, by the time I can nurse him, pack up the kids, and get out the door, we usually have just 30 minutes to do something before we have to head home for lunch and nap time again. It was not looking like a fun summer. And then, last Sunday, we headed up to Mt Bachelor for an end of season BBQ with some friends (pictures soon). We got an early start, Josh napped in the car and the Ergo, and we were able to enjoy our time with friends instead of stressing about getting back home. Suddenly, I can see how a similar routine will let us enjoy our summer activities.

Last Thursday was nothing special, but I finally felt like I got some things done other than just feeding the kids and maintaining sanity. The kids and I took the car to the mechanic (thank goodness our shop is owned by a guy with small children, so the waiting area has plush chairs and a children's toy corner), vacuumed, set up a "string and bead" obstacle course, prepped dinner during nap time, went to yoga (again, thank goodness our community gym has an amazing child care center - $2/hour!), read and responded to emails from work, and even cooked and pureed 3 different batches of baby food while making other meals throughout the day. This is just normal stuff, but I think that's the point. It all felt normal, not monumental, not overwhelming, just normal to work through that day. We are hitting our stride.

The other big "hitting our stride" accomplishment is that for 3 nights last week, I fed, bathed, and put to bed both kids by myself. Just a month ago, Scott's mom was here helping out because bedtimes still felt so daunting. Not anymore! I recognize that a big part of this success is that Owen is getting on board with the routine now as well. I bathe and cloth both kids together, but then he has to occupy himself for a half hour while I nurse and snuggle Josh. After many attempts at this where Owen threw major fits, he has finally embraced his "pajama play time." He was so used to bath-pjs-snuggle time, but now understands that his snuggle time IS coming... just a little later.

As I read back through this, it all sounds a little silly. How can it feel so daunting to navigate a day with two kids? But I think that's the point. A month ago, I felt totally buried, but now I almost can't remember why it was so challenging in the first place. Maybe it's not encouraging to read that it's taken us almost 7 months to get to this point, but it sure feels great to be here.

The Tunnel

When the boys were babies, my friend Sarah and I always compared the newborn stage to being in a tunnel. As much as you prepare and try to anticipate what it will be like, you are still totally disoriented when you are first plunged into the darkness and sleep deprivation after having a baby. At first, you are in a fog and spinning in circles, but eventually you start walking - you gain confidence feeding, changing, and bathing a new baby, you start (hopefully) getting some more sleep. You make successful outings to the grocery store or to visit friends. With each accomplishment, you are making progress through the tunnel.

We used to joke that just when you think you have reached the light at the end of the tunnel, you realize, "Shoot - only a skylight! I'm still in this darn tunnel." At the same time, those skylights are critical because they give you a glimpse of how your life might return to normal if you can just get through the New Baby Tunnel. They make you pick your head up and keep going instead of focusing on the dark ground.

I distinctly remember when Owen was about 6 months old, we came out of the tunnel. His mood shifted, my confidence soared, and suddenly every.single.little.task didn't take a humongous effort. I could pack him up and hit the store without planning a day in advance. We could anticipate his needs and make some intelligent guesses about how to entertain him. We were in a routine with daycare. We were out!

I've been thinking about that tunnel lately. In fact, it's caused me some frustration because, as we approach the 6 month mark with Josh, I feel like we should be out of the tunnel. Things should be back to normal. We should feel like we have fully assimilated Josh into our life. Things should not be so hard anymore... but they are.

And, as I composed this post in my head (at 3 am while nursing the baby 2 weeks ago - it's taken me that long to get the words out of my brain and onto the screen), I realized that I had forgotten something crucial about the tunnel...

Tunnels, by nature, are intended to take you TO A DIFFERENT PLACE.

When we came out of the tunnel after Owen was born, we had to develop new routines, make new friends, and navigate around a completely unfamiliar place. It was easier after those first 6 months because we could see and form intelligent thoughts, but we were still in a whole new world.

I realized that I've been walking through the Josh tunnel facing backwards, trying to get back to the "normal" that we were back in September. But looking back into the tunnel was dark and daunting. Once I was able to turn around and look for the NEW PLACE that Josh's tunnel is taking us, I discovered just how close we were to the end... and the light began streaming in. Yes, things are hard. Yes, we will have to learn to negotiate a new area and find new routines. Yes, there are days where we are completely bewildered by this new place. Yes, we are But some things are also getting easier because... We can see! We can breathe deeply! We can plan ahead. We can envision the way things will continue to get easier as Josh grows into himself. We are out of the tunnel.

Grace

We are in survival mode around these parts this week. I got hammered by a nasty head cold. The kind that would normally be no more than a frustrating inconvenience, but when you're nursing a baby and getting up 2-4 times a night, the body is just no good at fighting off a little bug. The cold has hit Scott and Owen in milder form and Josh seems to be doing better than anyone - a benefit of breastfeeding. I'm just thankful we aren't down and out with the stomach flu (knocking on wood).

This is one of those times where being a working mom has its benefits. I was able to take the afternoon off on Wednesday and head home for some extra rest while the kids stayed at daycare. I really don't know how stay home moms manage when they come down with a bug.

The theme for today was supposed to be "survival." Nothing planned, no errands to run, just make sure we all get fed and rested. Movies on queue, and I was fully committed to taking a nap when the kids slept this afternoon. Imagine my dismay when Josh decided not to sleep well this morning, pushing his afternoon nap a full hour earlier than Owen's. I did my best to get Owen into bed as quickly as possible, but by the time he went down, Josh was starting to stir. I laid down thinking, "By the grace of God, I will get 15 minutes."

And, by the grace of God, I got a whole hour of sleep! And then, I got another hour of quietly puttering around the house waiting for Josh to wake up from his longest nap ever - 3 hours! And then, Josh and I lounged around while Owen finished hour three of HIS nap. (That NEVER happens - he must be sick.) The grace was pouring down around our house today... and I feel optimistic that I'll be able to go up skiing with my mommy posse tomorrow.

We'll see if that grace will hold through the night...

While I have a Moment

I write witty blog posts, think of the quirky things my kids do that I want to record, imagine how the pictures will look on the screen. Trust me, it's all amazing... in my head... at 2:20 AM. The reality is that very little of what I imagine makes it to the screen. There just aren't enough hours in the day.

As it is, right now our living room is covered in building blocks, painters tape, and cars (another tape-city project), every cushion has been thrown on the floor (jumping practice while I made lunch), there are craft beads and hole punch stars exploding from the craft corner, lunch dishes are piling high, and I can see two massive baby spit up stains soaking into the floor (no idea when that happened). My patience is thin, my creativity is shot, and I desperately need a shower.

***Positive Note - the laundry is temporarily finished, folded, and put away!***

Most weeks, I spend a little time on Wednesday nights brainstorming activities to occupy Owen on Thursday and Friday while we're all home. This week, work has been crazy, so my evenings have been spent back on the computer instead of taking care of things around the house. And let's face it, my housekeeping skills are pretty dismal to begin with. My "activities" for Owen have consisted of trying to convince him that it's fun to help me vacuum, dust, and put away toys. We did manage to make some cookies this morning, but I can tell he's caught on that I'm distracted and having a hard time mustering the excitement to play Dora Candy Land.

***Positive Note - my in-laws gave me a housecleaning for my birthday!***

Oh yea, and we're tired - exhausted really. We've successfully moved Josh's co-sleeper into the guest room, but he continues to wake every 2 hours. At this point, he's old enough to sleep long stretches without eating, but Josh has developed a second (and related) terrible habit of just snacking at mealtime. Rather than nurse through a full feeding, he just snacks enough to knock the edge off and then I know he's going to be up in 1 1/2 to 2 hours hungry again. Urgh.

***Positive Note - the kids are both currently napping at the same time!***

The other real struggle is that Josh seems to be trying to carry his snacking habit over into the day times. At daycare, he's in this routine of eating tiny meals all day long and napping 45 minutes sections in between. Not good. At home, I work to help him get some consolidated sleep (this morning, he slept 2 1/2 hours with just a few visits to return the binky), and I try to space his feedings. I need to get them to do this at daycare - I think that will help him space feedings at night.

I had great hopes of doing some meaningful Easter activities with Owen this week, but here is Friday and we haven't even figured out where we're going to church on Sunday. (We are now officially a full year without a home church - how did that happen??)

***Positive Note: At least we dyed Easter Eggs!***

So there you have it. That's the Maxwell House status today. It ain't pretty, but it's the truth.

What's Working

I hesitate to say that I am getting the hang of having two kids, but I will say that we are settling into some manageable routines. It's funny how the things I was concerned about are working themselves out.

For example, I was pretty stressed about how Owen would do being stuck in the house for long stretches. Before Josh was born, we pretty much left the house for a walk, play date, activity, park, or just to run errands at least once (usually twice) a day. Now, thanks to my activity books and a rapidly maturing 2-year old that can focus on a project for more than 4 seconds, the thought of sticking around the house doesn't send me into a panic. In fact, Friday morning, I CHOSE to stay home with both kiddos rather than pack them up to meet our friends for a walk. I realized I went two whole days without getting in the car. What's gotten into me?

And this morning, I was marveling at how some things (okay, maybe just one thing) have gotten easier with two kids. Take my morning shower for example: With Owen, he was not content to hang out while I was in the shower. Other moms would put their baby in a bouncy seat or exersaucer, but Owen would scream bloody murder the second I moved out of sight. Consequently, for OVER 2 YEARS I always showered before he got up or while he was napping (or not at all). Now, with 2 kids, I'm finding that taking a shower is one of the easier parts of my day. I put Josh on a blanket on the (carpeted) bathroom floor. Owen picks out a couple of Josh's toys and then takes very seriously his "job" to entertain the baby while I shower. They're both where I can see them, it keeps Owen occupied, Josh giggles with delight, and I get 5 (okay 10!) minutes to get cleaned up and ready for the day.

A similar scenario also occasionally lets me clean up the kitchen after meals, set-up art projects, etc. I know it will be a few more years before the boys will actually play together, but it's nice to see that they can provide each other some brief moments of entertainment this early on.

I guess it also helps that Josh is such an easy going baby. Yesterday, he sat in the baby seat in the kitchen for almost 20 minutes watching Owen and I make cookies. And, when he does get fussy, he can go in the Moby wrap and be entertained by all the activity a 2 year old produces.

And the icing on the cake - two days in a row where both kids are taking their afternoon naps at the same time! I'm sure that's just a fluke, but it gives me hope for the future.

(Of course, not everything is peaches and cream around here, but it's important to embrace the little victories, right? Affirming the positive helps us persevere through the frustrations.)

It's Apparent you're a Parent

Scott and Owen have been doing swim lessons on Fridays after work. Today, Scott got home early and we decided that I would get a chance to do a lesson with Owen. Unfortunately, I think I drew the short stick somewhere along the line...

10 minutes to go in our lesson. Owen's in the corner of the pool, insisting that he wants to watch the kids in the big pool. When I ask him if he'd like to come play on the noodles with the other kids, he announces (loudly), "No. I'm Pooping!" Okay, out of the pool, grab our bag of clothes and towels, and shuffle into the locker room. Wet swimsuit off, swim diaper off, keep the soggy poop off my feet and the floor, wipe off the naked bottom and send Owen toward the shower. Success. Few.

Not Quite. Turn around and notice there are 15 middle school girls overflowing out of the shower area with Owen standing naked and shivering in the middle of the locker room. Okay. What to do? Wiggle the wet swimsuit back on Owen (nobody will notice if he pees while he's dripping wet, right?). Grab our clothing bag and towels and head for the family changing rooms. Shoot. Our shoes and jackets are still in a locker. Add those to the pile that is already falling out of my arms. Maneuver Owen back out into the pool area, so we can walk across the building (past all the parents watching lessons, all the kids in lessons, and all the adults doing deep water fitness while still in a make-shift, 3 months post-partum, I guess this fits as long as I stay under the water swimsuit) and over to the family changing areas. One is open! Drop the pile of gear on the bench and send Owen toward the shower. Success. Few.

Not Quite. The shower won't turn on. Seriously? Okay, gather up all the gear that is now more out of the bag than in and head down the hall. Next changing room looks like a disaster area. Move on. Third changing room has people coming out of it. That means the shower must be functional! In we go. Dump the pile, Turn on the shower. Cold. Cold? Wait... wait... wait... Hot! Yes! Owen warms up, we clean up and manage to have dry clothes for both of us (at this point, I was pretty much expecting to be missing either underwear or socks or something). Success. Few.

Not Quite. I drop an earring back an have to rumage around the changing room floor to find it. Have you ever looked under those grated mats? I don't advise it. Let's just say that earring back got a throough washing and some peroxide when we got home. Bleh. And... we... are... out the door and home, where Scott was already working on dinner. Success!! Yes!

The part that surprised me was that it wasn't until I was in the car, driving home, that I even began to realize how flustering the whole experience should have been. Instead, I was a sea of calm through it all. Taking each setback in stride and just moving on to the next logical solution. Quite the change from those first few months of parenting! The first time Owen did swim lessons (at 8 months old), I felt like I would never be able to even get the two of us dried off and dressed by myself. Now, I'm hoping to get both kids in lessons at the same time this summer, so I will regularly be juggling two wet and potentially smelly kids at the same time - Ha!

When Boys Play House

With a pile of boxes, I saw the potential for tunnels. Owen thought that was cool... for about 5 minutes.
Scott, on the other hand, broke out Owen's tool kit and some duct tape, and the two of them went to work - playing house as only an engineer and his son could.
Owen kept dashing in and out of the kitchen for more tools and supplies, muttering under his breath, "Need fix my problem. Need fix my problem."
The finished product was pretty awesome.
On a semi-related note, I'm proud to say that my son is also getting exposure to some more traditional home making skills. We watched one episode of "Worst Cook in America" (on the Food Network) the other night. I won't be watching again. It's simply appalling that these grown adults have so little ability in the kitchen. How do they feed themselves? In the episode we watched, the guy they sent home didn't know to peel garlic before putting it in the saute pan. Seriously? Just from standing on our kitchen stool, I think Owen already knows his way around a garlic press. I fully expect my boys to be able to fend for themselves (and do it well) when they set out on their own many, many years from now.

Thoughts on the Night

Lately, my brain is dominated by sleep and lack of sleep. Some recent observations on that topic:

One big disadvantage of having a baby and a toddler is that the songs running through my head are cartoon theme songs. Generally, it's Clifford, but the night that Thomas the Train or Wonder Pets creep in... ARGH!

Josh has slept for 4 straight hours each of the last two nights. This gives me great optimism, but unfortunately not any more sleep. The first night, he slept from 8:30-12:30, so I was still up for the first half. Last night, his stretch was 10:30-2:30, but my body is so conditioned from the last 7 weeks, that I was wide awake at 1:30 waiting for him to rally.

It's a lot easier to be diligent about sleep issues with the first baby. Last night, Scott spent an hour and a half working really hard to get Josh down to sleep. When it was time for me to take a turn, I caved after 5 minutes and just brought him downstairs to hang out. Oops! Scott called me on it and reminded me that we need to work hard now to reap the benefits later.

This morning, I spent 45 minutes rocking, shushing, reading, singing, swaying, and bouncing. At the end of it all, I was falling asleep in the rocker, but the baby was wide awake. Hmmm...

Owen's daycare is a double-edged sword. I love that getting him there gives me baby one-on-one time 3 days/week and Owen gets much needed socialization and a break from mom. On the other hand, the drop off and pick-up is a big challenge on Josh's eating/sleeping routine right now. Hopefully that will work itself out once Josh starts spacing out the feedings and taking real naps... time will tell.

I promise, more pictures are coming soon!

Conversation with the Universe

Me: Dear Universe, Just because we survived through one colicky/reflux baby does not mean we were hoping for the same thing this time around.

Universe: Hey, I didn't give you the same thing. This baby is a colicky/reflux/doesn't sleep/refuses a pacifier baby.

Me: Right. Thanks. Where's the karma? I thought we already paid our dues last time.

Uni: You sure did. But I wanted you to have a chance to apply what you learned last time.

Me: Okay, so we learned to put the baby on level 1 reflux meds right away instead of waiting until he's 10 weeks old.

Uni: See, good work.

Me: Well, how about some credit for doing things right? It's looking like this baby needs level 2 meds just like Owen did. Thanks a lot.

Uni: But see, you know what to do. And you've also been figuring out what foods to avoid...

Me: Yes. Sweet. No tomatoes. Possibly no spicy foods. Great things to avoid when trying to feed a family.

Uni: You also forgot caffeine. That's on the "no" list as of today.

Me: Thanks for the reminder. As if that doesn't add insult to injury. Sleep deprived and trying to avoid caffeine, so the baby will (in theory) sleep better. Nice.

Uni: I'm just looking out for you. Besides, I clearly remember you saying you would be willing to deal with the reflux this time around.

Me: Boy, that's selective memory. I think that conversation came with Scott saying he was hoping for a baby without reflux and I said, "I'll take the reflux again as long AS LONG AS THE BABY SLEEPS WELL." Remember??

Uni: Hmm. Well, I just heard the first part.

Me: Can we at least make a deal? How about you cut us some slack and not send us the UPS Man, Ringing Phone, or Barking Dog the very instant I finally get the baby to sleep?

Uni: What do I get in return?

Me: I'll get back to you. The baby just woke up.

Golden Moments

My theme words for the day were "sore" and "tired" after nursing Josh every two hours last night. Thankfully, God elected to answer my little prayers and sent me an agreeable two year old for the day. In fact, I experienced a number of golden moments with Owen that really kept me going today. This is not to say that I didn't hear my fair share of whining and protesting, but here are a few things that vastly overshadowed the frustrations today...

Owen amazed me with his observations throughout our visit to the High Desert Museum this morning (this month's first Friday field trip) and then joyfully wandered around with Hazel and Julie while I sat down to nurse the baby.

He pulled out a slew of books and snuggled up on the couch to "read" to Josh while I was nursing.

He held a personal (and very entertaining) dance party to Michael Bouble (on Oprah)... so entertaining that I rewound the DVR to let him dance again.

He joyfully headed downstairs to "play independently" after his nap while I caught a 10 minute cat nap and made sure Josh would stay down for a bit longer. Is this the same kid who wouldn't even play alone across the room from me 4 months ago???

He said please and thank you countless times - those really are magic words aren't they?
He read my mind and decided he needed to clean up his Legos BEFORE I even asked.

He ate dinner!!

He had an all around agreeable demeanor and lots of laughter during the post dinner playtime.

As we are working through these challenging newborn weeks, I feel like I am continually developing a deeper love for my first born. If these are the terrible twos, I'll take them in a double dose please. And it gives me joy and hope to know that the baby I'm snuggling will one day be amazing me with his maturity and funny observations. I'm tired, but I'm witnessing daily why it's all worth it.

You know you're short on sleep...

You know you're short on sleep when:

- Cold, day-old coffee looks (and tastes) wonderful
- You take off your jacket and try to put it in... the refrigerator.
- You send the 2-year old downstairs after his nap with full intention of following him, and wake up a half hour later sitting up in bed (I think he might have spent that half hour watching Dr. Oz on TV, but I'll never really know).
- A nap trumps a shower any day.
- Your best ideas occur at 4 AM. This week - how to rearrange furniture to accommodate the Christmas Tree, how to celebrate Advent with a 2 year old, the Holiday party plan, and many Christmas present ideas all came to me in the night.
- You spin around 3 times in the kitchen looking for the clock (that hasn't moved in 5 years).
- Among all the strange things occurring at your house, this is the list you can remember.

On the plus side, Josh really has made a vast improvement in his sleep over the last week. He's not going any longer between night feedings, but is spending the majority of the night in the co-sleeper next to our bed. That means, Scott and I are sleeping (mostly) in the horizontal position. After cutting spicy foods out of my diet last week, Josh seems to be more willing to return to sleep after feedings, so I'm able to handle MOST of the night duty myself (allowing Scott more hours of uninterrupted sleep). Naps are still dicey, but working on trying to get Josh at least one nap a day in the bedroom. In fact, as I type this, he has been up there by himself for the last hour (after an hour of shared nap with me). All in all, I feel like we're making progress, but I'm holding out judgment until we get past the "typical fussy peak" that occurs around 6-8 weeks. Cross your fingers that we make it to Christmas in one piece!

Where we are Today

Wowee. I've just reread that last post and realized that my brain is a BIT scattered these days and I don't think this post is going to be any better. Can you blame me? On the plus side, Josh and Owen took simultaneous naps for over an hour in their own beds this afternoon. I managed to box up my maternity clothes and clean one bathroom in that hour. For those keeping score, that totals 2 hours of the day in which I was not holding Josh (the other being while he napped in the carseat), 2 naps in his own crib this week, 3 loads of laundry needing to be done, and one bathroom cleaned. The whole family is coming into town for Thanksgiving next week. Looks like the theme is going to be, "If you want a clean plate, shirt, or bathroom, you'll have to wash it yourself."

But that's how these weeks are supposed to be, right? Josh will never be this small again, never sleep so easily in our arms, and never be so oblivious to the chaos around him as he's crashed out in the Moby wrap. As much as I am appalled by my lack of productivity, I am truly enjoying having those 7 pounds of sweetness around me all day. I have decided that Josh has the most kissable head ever.
A few people have asked how Josh's tummy is faring. Josh started exhibiting some classic reflux signs last week (screaming after eating, arched back, angry on his back, and gurgly/choking sounds at random while resting), so we started him on Baby Zantac this week. Hopefully, taking action early will help us avoid the series of reflux related posts that dominated this blog 2 years ago. Fingers crossed.

Owen continues to be mesmorized by his baby brother. We're working on "giving Josh some space," but the brother love makes the challenging times more worth it. I set Josh down on the floor on Sunday and Owen quickly gathered a whole pile of his toys to entertain him... and THEN proceeded to sit down and read Josh a book. Seriously?

Owen has also asked to feed Josh from his own tummy and likes to drag over a stool to watch me changing the baby's diaper. Unfortunately, he also gets pretty mad when the other kids at daycare want to [GASP!] look at the baby, but that protective big brother roll is pretty cute for a 2 year old.
In this midst of our transition into a family of 4, Owen is taking full advantage of our worn our state, and managing to get a lot of "extras" that wouldn't normally come his way. I found myself stocking up on stickers and other easy craft supplies this week to help keep him occupied and I'm about ready to make a massive donation to PBS - Praise God for Sesame Street! He's also fully embraced the concept of DESSERT and is mysteriously unable to eat any of his dinner unless the cookie ultimatum ("no cookies unless you finish your meat") has been issued. Is bribery the answer? No. Is my toddler that hasn't gained a pound in 6 months finally consuming some calories. Yes. Enough said.

I am endlessly thankful for my amazing mommy friends right now. We have wonderful meals arriving at our house 2-3 times/week and I guess that is scheduled to continue well into December. Many of those meal deliveries also come with a short play date for Owen and adult conversation for me during the dreaded 4 PM witching hour. Glorious!

The latest Owen funny:
Mom: Owen, are you feeling a bit crabby?
Owen: No. Lobster.

The Moby

Scott and I love gear. Who doesn't? When we found out we were pregnant with Owen, the FIRST baby gear purchase we made was a backpack carrier. Since that time, the one piece of baby gear that we seem to have an abundance of is the carrier. With Owen, we started with the Snugli (like a Baby Bjorn). We also have two "Too Cute Baby Slings" that we used every day through the colic months and well beyond. When Owen hit 8 months old, we also got an Ergo carrier that is still the preferred carrying method over that fancy backpack.

For Josh, Shannon lent me her Ergo infant insert, so that should be great for walking with our friends. However, the only piece of gear I really wanted to add to our collection was the Moby Wrap. Now, a three weeks into this baby's life, I can say I love, love, love the Moby because:

1. It's rated (and works well) for babies as little as 5 pounds. All our other carriers really need a bigger body.

2. It gives me two arms free. My sling gives me about an arm and a half, which works for doing dishes and making easy dinner, but two full arms seem to be key when chasing a toddler.

3. Full back support. Of course, ask me if that's really true once Josh puts on some pounds.

4. Cozy fabric design keeps Josh warm.

5. One size fits all means Scott and I can both wear it.

6. Josh seems to be one of those babies that doesn't like to be on his own (not such a fan of the bouncy seat or even his little crib), so we're loving the ability to keep him on us without being confined to the couch.

7. Full wrap covers Josh from head to two, protecting him (a bit) from those nasty flu germs floating around when we're out in public. It's my preferred method of implementing the "look but don't touch" message.

8. Machine washable!!

On the downside, Josh has a lovely peanut smell this morning because I've already managed to drop my peanut butter toast on his head ... sticky side down. Nice!

Josh helping dad make cinnamon rolls (sitting upright like a kangaroo):
Josh dancing with mom after dinner (he's sitting sideways like in a sling):

I Love You Two

A few days after Josh was born, my friend Michelle asked if I had felt that same "instant love" at Josh's birth as I did with Owen. I know it's something that many parents worry about as they await the birth of their second child.

What I shared with Michelle (and what Scott and I talked about later) is that it feels like Josh has always been a part of our family... we just didn't meet him until his birth. As if we already had the love for Josh floating around our family, it just hadn't been assigned to anybody yet. It's now our privilege and our joy to meet the little boy that belongs to that love.

Michelle's question also got me thinking about how I love my boys - and the reality that I don't love them the same at all.

With Owen, I've had over 2 years to get to know him, to learn all the little things that make up his ever-changing personality. The more I get to know him, the more it seems like my love of him grows stronger, though I know I have always loved him with all of my heart. My love for Owen is also now part of a reciprocal relationship - I get to share that love with him and see some of that love flowing back toward me. It's the most amazing feeling as a parent when your child says "I love you mom" unprompted for the first (or 23rd) time. Owen is also old enough that we can have some little rituals to express our love.

For example, I've started reciting this little poem to him as I rub his back before bed:
"I love you from your head to your toes,
From your knees to your nose,
Inside and Outside,
I love everything about you."
I hope he remembers things like that down the road and I look forward to the time when I can do the same for Josh.

Loving Josh is a quite different. At this point, it's a love of his creation, an anticipation of the person he is going to become, a love of possibility and hope. Loving Josh right now really follows the old adage that "Love is an action word." Since we don't have the communication that I have with Owen, I get to express love purely through actions - snuggling, feeding, changing, holding, and sweet whispers in his ear.

After Owen's birth, I had the overwhelming realization that he was (and always will be) the baby that made me a mother. At Josh's birth, I realized that he is the baby that makes me the mother of BOYS. Both are amazing feelings, and the things I am most proud of in my life.

So, do I love both my boys the same? Absolutely not. Do I do love them both fully, with all of my heart? Absolutely yes.

Expectations

Monday night, I pulled a classic Alissa mistake. I got too focused on the "plan" for the evening instead of adapting to the current reality. I was really excited for our planned dinner of Chicken Carpese Sandwiches, so I walked in the door after work with Owen and headed for the kitchen. It's not an elaborate dinner - one that can easily be completed in 20 minutes and one with a decent set of options for my pint sized helper to participate in the preparation.

However, the situation on Monday included two tired, cranky, hungry people (one 2 year old, one pregnant lady). Instead of being a happy helper, Owen was begging to be held, throwing tantrums, and whining for foods that I just couldn't produce. I was apparently not in stellar form myself - misjudging portion sizes, dropping food on the floor, and getting more frustrated with myself and Owen by the minute. And so went the downward cycle that left us both angrily sitting at the kitchen table, Owen refusing to eat dinner and whining for strawberries (we have NONE) and me frantically downing a sandwich trying to prove that the effort was worth it.

It was not a proud parenting moment and put me in a worse mood the rest of the evening.

What I should have done: Recognize that Owen was tired and crabby after a long day at school - I had plenty of signs on our drive home from daycare. Recognize that I was tired and crabby - at 37 weeks pregnant, this is kind of a no brainer. Set the planned dinner aside, reach for the fish sticks, and be glad that frozen peas and milk mean a Owen will still get 3 food groups in his dinner. That would have given us 15 minutes of "mom&Owen time" to decompress and reconnect while the food cooked...

But no, I was too darn focused on those sandwiches. And the result was not a pretty scene when Scott walked in the door. Thankfully, he was up to the challenge and took over the Owen duty for the evening - to the extent that I even took a mini nap while Owen was in the bath. I got to re-connect with my kiddo while reading bedtime stories and all was well in the world.

I realize it all comes down to expectations. Both setting realistic expectations and ADJUSTING those expectations as the reality of the situation becomes clear. And I realize that I need to be even more focused on staying in the moment (and letting go of the expectations) as Baby #2 joins our family.

Parenting is a constant learning experience... and one that will keep teaching you the same lesson over and over and over and over and over until you (hopefully) figure it out.

On a positive note - Today was a day of NO expectations and Owen was in a remarkable "go with the flow" mood to accompany my tired, achy, sluggish body. We played happily at the auto repair shop, made some halloween crafts, ran a lazy errand, and even managed to vacuum the house. Oh, and I did the dinner prep while Owen was napping.

Sweet Morning

While Wednesday's are a "home" day for me, I normally have a conference call at 11:30 that ends up dictating the schedule for our morning. It just adds a bit of stress knowing that I need to be home, focused, and have Owen well occupied (Sesame Street!) right at the time that he's getting hungry for lunch. But today... meeting cancelled - hooray!

I've been trying to use our Wednesday mornings as a time for Owen and I to spend doing crafts and games at home. Hoping to get him accustomed to spending more time at home instead of out at the park, pool, playgroup, market, etc when baby shows up and we dive into winter. Today, we did the opposite and set out on a morning of little errands. It ended up being such a sweet time for the two of us to just putter around town. We didn't have any time deadlines, so we took our time and I got to really listen and engage Owen's questions along the way.

Sure, by naptime, I was reaching my "toddler threshold" and felt the aggitated voice take over trying to get Owen up the stairs, but Owen kept me in check. "Mommy, we are angry." "I'm sorry bud, I'm not mad, I'm just need a little cooperation." "Okay, mommy you are not mad." And then I got some sweet snuggle time before nap.

I've been lucky to have quite a few of these sweet moments lately and I'm trying to slow down and absorb as much of Owen as I can. Trying to embrace and cherish these last few weeks when I CAN give him my full attention and learn more and more about him along the way. It's as though I'm getting enhanced chances to see the joys of parenting and loving a little person, so that I have some "reserves" to get me through the challenge of another newborn.

Six weeks and counting.